9:47 am - October 22, 2020
B gave me a massage yesterday that ended up being way triggering. "Just relax," he suggests while massaging my arm and sending me back in time to my last doctor's exam. Part of me wants to lash out at him like HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN YOU ARE DOING THAT and another part thinks, well, maybe this will help? At the very least it's bringing all those feelings to the surface where I can see them. And he also was respectful of my boundaries and cut out the massage when I told him it was Not Pleasant and that I was traveling through time again.
Also. I've been feeling really overwhelmed the past two days and not exactly allowing myself a rest. I noticed it when Billy came to my work desk to chat for a minute, interrupting me from a task, and my brain could not disengage from the task. It kept racing and I couldn't focus on anything he was saying.
The thing I put my laser focus on was sewing projects though, so I thought it was fun and nourishing! But I noticed I couldn't turn off the "possibilities" part of my brain that pairs up fabric with sewing patterns, which is a really fun thing usually, but for some reason it consumed me and stressed me out this time. I've also been thinking about how I need to finish unpacking our moving boxes at our house, and thinking about Things to Buy, and then my sister wants me to do this other fun K-pop project, which I'm excited for, but it was all just Too Much. Maybe because I had this idea in my head that I *need* to sew and have clothes that I like, and I *need* to have our house unpacked and put together, full of plant life and artistic vision. Focusing on the end product, instead of the process, even though the process is usually meditative and calming.
I think the fact that it was fun and exciting is why I didn't tell myself to slow down and rest. Even thinking about doing those things in the near future uses a certain amount of energy, it seems. So, ok. Maybe this evening I'll go for a walk and lay on the carpet and not work on my sewing project. I asked for Monday off because I've been feeling like I need a rest from work too, so if I'm feeling better rested then I can take up the sewing pins again.
The big voice in my head that says I'm not doing it right if I'm not creating/producing/doing/having: I have 3 spoonfuls of energy today, and I will use one of those to address you right now. You're just doing your job to protect me from feelings of worthlessness. You did such a good job when I needed you in college, and sometimes you're a good motivator. Listen: you're part of the old way. Right now I'm choosing to listen to some new ideas instead: laziness doesn't exist. Resting is anathema to all the commercials and Instagram ads I've been absorbed in the past few weeks that tell me, buy, get up and do, work, and return to normal.